Stream of Consciousness

I thought this was going to be well thought out, and organized. Or I'd hoped it would be. But it's not going to be like that. I'm all blocked up. Of all the blocks, and yes, I thought this through, cheese is my favorite. Sidewalk blocks are helpful, obviously, and the girls like the lego type. Hmm... I think I need tea and cigarettes.

Ok, I'm ALIVE. I can make choices. I can change my course. That's all pretty lucky. Where though, is the balance between "grabbing the bull by the horns" and "not making rash decisions"? I want to live my one, wild and precious life. I thought I wanted to live it without regret, doesn't everyone want that? Well, I think I fucked that one up. Good thing it wasn't my only aspiration? Or something. And where does one draw the line between pleasing oneself and appeasing one's loved ones. One, Ones, One one ones one. At what point can I just say, "this is what I want, who I am. I can give the explanation but I can't help you to understand it".

My therapist wears a distracting wig. For real. It's just so wig-ish. Why do they have to look like that? Poor wig-wearers.

Judgement is a part of day to day life. I'm not being avant-garde when I say I wish it weren't. There is no worst kind of judgement. But I will be the first to say, it sucks when your family thinks you're off your rocker. Major sucks.

Time is supposed to heal all. But what about the people who don't get enough time? Missing you Matt, and trying to live better in your honor. You would have done this so much more gracefully than I am. Not fair.

"I'm walking but I don't know where to turn..."

This WILL be good.

for Julie, to read when she can't eat.

I have never waited for anything. I'm all about instant gratification. Unfortunately, sometimes I end up more disappointed than gratified. I've also, always got a "new, big idea", and while I'm the type to actually move forward, it usually ends up being something I wasn't sure I wanted in the first place and ends up causing more stress than it was worth.

Well, I'm making a change. I want something. So bad. I have more clarity than I've ever felt. I HAVE to wait for it. It's going to be really, really hard. Getting there, and waiting. I know it's right for me, I know it will be awesome. I'm terrified.

Just Words for Elise.

Elise is sensitive, temperamental, soulful. She has a dainty frame and her hair is out of control. Her eyes are deep and wise.

She'll choose purple even if everyone else chooses pink, because she knows it's ok to be different as long as you're true and happy. Her spirit is so much my own.

She prefers soft, sweet music for driving. She thinks rain is special. She thinks the sun is the most special.

There are so many things I hope she does. I hope she doesn't always over think, like her Mama. But I hope she over thinks sometimes, when it's big. (I'm over thinking that thought).

I know she'll be accepting, and forgiving. But I hope she's not naive. I hope she has the time to make mistakes and figure out who she is rather than be forced to choose who she *needs* to be. Even if she'd make the right choice. I hope she always has as much fun as I do. I hope she has a best friend, who never lets her down. I hope she knows I will love her and stand up for her rights, ideas and decisions, unconditionally. I hope she always matches her hair bows to her socks, no matter what the rest of her outfit looks like, and I hope nobody ever makes fun of her for it.

I hope she is confident.

I hope she always knows that she changed my life for the better.